Piece of the puzzle
by allthingsdarkx
Summary: Jane discovers the biggest piece of her past; her daughter.. [Prompt by red lighting]
1. Chapter 1

Roman backed into the wall. A little girl was on his back, red in the face with her limbs going up and down in violent chaotic strikes. Likely half the neighbourhood could hear her screaming as if he was beating her with a stick. All he said was, "No."

Apparently denying her a second cookie was as devastating to her as someone stealing his home and all his possessions would be to him. When he didn't rush in with the cookie she flipped over and began to bang her head on the floor. That did it. I could hear my own voice scolding this child. She straighten up and stares up at me with tear stained cheeks.

"Stop it!" I said quietly but firm enough to make her angrily wipe the tears from her face.

"What do you say?"

The little girl's green eyes dropped to the floor, she pulled her lips between her teeth and rocked nervously on her heels.

"I'm sorry, Uncle Ro," she whimpered glancing up at him with glossy eyes.

"It's fine, princess," Roman said with the biggest smile on his face.

Suddenly the world was a blur, and random images seemed to float aimlessly around in the pool of my thoughts, as though they were being blown about viciously by a hurricane. A tap on my shoulder momentarily brought me back to the outside world, but after a second I was once again lost. I could feel somebody trying to look at me, trying to stare me dead in the eye. The whole world simply felt low resolution, a bad quality movie. Confusion blossomed in my heart and I knew that sooner or later I would need to wake up.

I felt as though something —someone was just trying to reach out to me. I turned slightly to my left and made out a silhouette of a young child. I couldn't make out much except for the fact that she had the greenest eyes I ever saw.

Her eyes were the kind of green that mint ice cream gets jealous of. The kind of green that distracts you from everything around.

Her mouth moved and she clapped her little chubby hands excitedly but I couldn't hear what she was saying. She was talking but she wasn't. Her green eyes shone brighter as she made her way over to me.

As she got closer, I noticed that deep brown curls settled neatly on the top of her head.

It was the hairstyle all curly haired women wanted — perfect ringlets piled on her head with a few soft spirals about her face. It would have looked great in any colour, on anyone, but her brown hair against her pale, ghostly skin was perfection.

This little child from my previous dream stood before me and all I could think of was how much I wanted to sweep her up into my arms and never let her go. I couldn't explain the need to protect this child. There was nothing around that could be deemed as dangerous for a young child. It was a house that seemed so familiar yet I've never seen it before.

The house was a series of rectangles constructed of steel and glass. It was unapologetically modern. It stood amidst the manicures lawn as if beamed there rather than constructed. The roof was flat and there was no visible chimney. The front door was metallic and opened with both a key pad and biometric scanner. Inside was minimalist. The walls were fashionable shades of white and the floor polished concrete. There was no sentimentality for chintz but on the walls were the most astonishing black and white family photographs, which were far too blurry to make out.

There was no clutter of shoes or jackets, no clutter of any kind. The only organic matter in sight were white orchids on the dark cherry coffee table. The kitchen was large enough for an army of chefs, there were two ovens and acres of brown flecked white granite on which to prepare food. But in the cupboards there were no pots or pans, no spatulas or sieves. Upstairs every room was ensuite with a plasma screen, a king sized bed and a walk in wardrobe.

The little girl tugged on my shirt, she couldn't have been more than three years old, I knelt before her and she placed her hand on my shoulder, giving me the biggest smile revealing her deep dimples. She was beautiful —almost angel like.

"Hi," I said softly. This only caused her grin to grow wider, if possible.

Her mouth moved again but I couldn't hear what she was saying.

"I don't understand, sweetheart."

The little girl glances upward, her mouth pursed but slightly open and loose. Her eyes are fixed as if she's looking at something a yard behind my head.

For a moment, the world was a blur of dull colours. Then, as I properly awoke, everything came into focus.

 _Was that a memory?_

 _What was that?_

* * *

Jane reached into the front of her shirt and pulled out a gold necklace with a bright sapphire stone.

The necklace seemed so old, worth no value, but she held it tightly in her hand, string over fingers, because worth, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.

"This belonged to my mother," Shepherd had told her one day, reaching into an old jewelry box and pulling out the necklace.

"She left it with my brother to give it to me when I turned eighteen. She wanted me to give it to my daughter," she gently placed the necklace into the palm of Jane's hand and closed her fingers around it.

"Someday you'll give it your daughter."

She pulled and tugged at the necklace gently, sitting with her legs crossed at her ankles.

She stood on the brink of something she couldn't describe. The weight of everything seemed to press down on her shoulders and she struggled to take even a single step forward. It was too much. All of it. And somehow, she kept moving. But every step cost her. The darkness grew darker; the pain grew sharper; all of it seemed to only grow in strength and she began to wonder if things could ever get better.

But she never said a word. Sometimes she would wonder if that smile— the horribly fake smile— is ever seen through. If someone ever notices that sad, broken look in her eyes that she sees everytime she looks into the mirror. If they see beauty where she sees ugliness.

And then she laughs, a bitter, sarcastic laugh, at herself. Nobody cares. No one notices. They never seem to, do they?

"What's wrong?" Shepherd asked suddenly. She had been so caught up in her miseries that she didn't even seen when Shepherd came and sat besides her.

Jane subconsciously reaches for the necklace and fiddled with it nervously. Shepherd reached over and squeezed her fingers in hers.

"I didn't think you'd wear this," Shepherd said with a small smile. "I couldn't. After I lost my mother I just couldn't stomach to have anything of hers close to me"

There was something about Shepherd that drew people to her. I guess it didn't hurt that she was a good looking woman; but it was more than that. She was quiet, but not out of painful shyness. It was a reservedness, like a conscious choice to observe those around before she got involved. She remained friendly faced and welcoming in body posture.

 _Jane's mother._ It still felt surreal at times. She had a mother. She had a family —people who loved her— the _**real**_ her.

"It's still weird hearing you say you're my mother"

Shepherd laughs, her deep chuckle lifting the spirit of the room. Her face has a softness even when it comes to rest, as if she lacks the inner bitterness everyone's so sure she has.

"I've been having dreams, maybe memories. I'm still not sure"

"Memories?" She questions moving closer.

Jane nodded and repeated the details of her dream or memory to her. She instantly stiffened, her eyes darting around the room nervously and she dragged her hand through her deep curls.

Colour drained from her face, as white as a ghost, white as a sheet. She sat there rigid, rooted to the spot, Jane noticed the sweat gathering at her brows and she just knew something was horribly wrong.

"What?"

She shakes her hear sadly and drags herself to the end of the couch.

"Mom?"

Her eyes sparkled, the light making them look alive. Their light brown color was soft, the exact shade of a latte. A ring of gold hung inside her iris, adding another layer of depth to her already beautiful eyes.

"Remi.." She trails off, clucking her tongue. She drags her lips between her teeth and looks up at her with a soft smile.

"I have something to show you," she pats her hand gently before getting up and walking over to her bedroom.

Five minutes later, she returned with a puzzle box similar to the one Jane had left Roman.

"This has everything you need to know about that particular little girl"

* * *

I stared at the thumbnail image of the video for what felt like hours. It was a blurred image of the little girl from my dream. She wore the biggest smile, her green eyes piercing and her brown curls fell on her shoulders in soft ringlets.

 _Am I ready for this?_

 _What if I don't like what I see?_

I drew in a deep breath and moved my fingers gently against the power button.

 _Come on! You can do this._

Once again fear found me. It spoke to me in its cackling voice. It told my legs to go weak, my stomach to lurch and my heart to ache.

Before I could talk myself out of it I pressed the power button and the screen immediately came alive revealing to me a smiling Oscar, a pang of guilt swept through me as I remembered all of the nights I spent with him instead of in my safehouse. I would never admit this out loud to anyone but I missed him. Alot.

The fresh grassy green color swirled into an Atlantic blue as he gazed into the lenses. I could feel myself becoming hypnotized by the changing colors. He smiled and spots of gold danced in his irises.

"Alex is finally three soon she'll be attracting boys and I can't say I'm happy about that," he said seriously. Then all could be heard was shuffling until the camera flipped and I saw myself tending to a cake, my face covered in frosting. It was a snowman in rich velvety layers, topped with cream cheese frosting and coconut flakes. His nose was a brilliant orange carrot of fondant icing and his eyes were belgian chocolate.

"The perfect winter cake to make for the kid who thought snow was better than sun."

Oscar ran his hands up and down my arms and places a gentle kiss to the side of my neck. My eyes fluttered shut at the contact.

"You think she's gonna like this?" I asked, leaning my head onto his broad shoulders.

"The kid likes Roman. She'll definitely enjoy this," he said with a soft chuckle.

"Idiot," I rolled my eyes playfully at him and elbowed him in the side.

I watched on as I tended to the cake in silence, Oscar's hands wounded loosely around my waist as he littered my neck with gentle kisses.

"Thank you," he said suddenly.

A small smile crept its way onto my face but I didn't look back at him.

His lips were twitching, but his eyes looked blurred as if filled with tears.

"For what?"

Before he could respond the peace was shattered by a child, running, screaming with delight.

The only thing I can make out beneath her moving hair was a smile that could light up any day, no matter how dark.

 _"Her"_ was his simple response.

"Alex, hey. Come here, look what mommy made you," Oscar cooed at the little girl. She stopped bouncing around long enough to look over at the cake. She looked on with sheer amusement before a wide smile took over her entire face.

"You're the bestest mommy in the entire world," she cried happily, hugging me from behind. I knelt down to her level and attacked her face with kisses. She shrieked and hid behind Oscar.

"Daddy, help!"

I heard some more shuffling then the camera set on a pile of books, taking us all into the frame.

Oscar scooped the little girl up into his arms and kissed her on the top of her head.

"Daddy's got you. Daddy's always got you," he promised, staring at her adoringly.

"I love you guys. You're the best parents,"

I watched as I wiped a stray tear away from my eyes.

"Hugs!"

I rushed into Oscar's arms and we both held onto Alex tightly placing kisses on her cheeks and wishing her a happy birthday.

Then suddenly without any warning the video stopped. That memory stopped.

* * *

Minutes after the video, I sat still besides Shepherd, with my arms crossed and my eyes locked on the blank screen. It takes her awhile to realize that I was not alright with this news. She gets up on her feet and says, "What's wrong?"

She puts her hand on my right cheek and leans her face closer. I shove her hand away.

"Don't" Just a simple word, but it brings tears to my eyes.

 _I have a child. Oscar and I had a baby._

"I'm sorry, I didn't think you'd be ready for this kind of thing just yet." She said gently, covering my face with her hands and wiping away my tears with her thumbs.

"You want me to trust you yet you keep my daughter from me. Does she even know that I'm back? I'm shouting at her now. She looks shocked but she places her hand to the back of my head and pulls me towards her, burying my face into her chest.

"I'm sorry." She sounds like she's chocking. I bury my face in her chest for a second; it's so hard, but warm and safe. She's my mother but I hate her right now for hiding something like this from me.

I sobbed into her chest unceasingly, hands clutching at her jacket. She held me in silence, rocking slowly as my tears soaked her chest.

"Does she think that I abandoned her?" I asked into her now wet shirt.

"No. Alex knows how much you love her."

"Can I meet her?"

* * *

Please let me know what you all think about this.

 **Reviews are always appreciated. x**


	2. Chapter 2

**_3 years ago..._**

The hallway has as much personality as the rest of the hospital. The floor is slate grey and the walls dove. Above the ceiling is made from those polystyrene squares laid on a grid like frame. The light is too bright for my eyes after the darkening gloom outside, I find it abrasive, enough perhaps to bring on one of my migraines. There are commercial prints of babies and their happy smiling mothers on the wall judging me, judging my decision. It's been two weeks since I found out I was pregnant. It had been a struggle to keep it from Oscar I knew how much he wanted a family, how much he would've wanted this baby but I couldn't do it. Not now. Not when there was so much at sake.

I reach the grey double doors with their plastic band fastened midway and their dull chrome handles. I pull my eyes from the highly polished linoleum floor to catch a glimpse of the hallway that stretches beyond, cut into tiny squares by the thin wire in the window panels. Without pause I push with my body weight, but I needn't have, it swings open soundlessly and with ease. A draft of air hits my face, warm and with a tincture of bleach. Ahead of me lie light walls, decorated with old black and white pictures of women and children. I could fit at least two of me with arms outstretched across its width. Instead of straight walls the hallway has a curve, disappearing from sight in a hundred meters or so. Every few seconds I pass a different set of doors with a hand sanitizer dispenser until I reached the waiting room I was assigned to.

"Hey there," a tall blonde woman greeted. She had a child settled on her lap as she flipped through some of the magazines laid across the dark cherry table.

I only nodded in response and sat down right besides her since it was the only available seat left.

"Mom, I'm hungry," the little boy said tugging on the woman's shirt. She displayed a sweet smile and rumbled through her bag for a snack.

"You always need back up," the woman said to me ruffling the boy's hair affectionately. "You never know when these little monsters will get hungry. In Adam's case he's always hungry so I pack atleast three snacks," she continued with a smile. I offered her a bemused smile and picked up one of the magazines.

"Babies are one of God's precious gift to us women. They come in us at the right time: the time of need and for that we must be grateful."

"How old is your son?" I asked politely, half wanting to know, half wanting her to stop preaching to me.

"He's five. The day Adam opened his eyes for the first time, everything that followed after was a hazy blur. He was frenetic and fractious little guy" she chuckled lightly cuddling her son against her. The more this random woman babbled about her kid, the more I wondered if I was making the right decision.

 _Was I really considering this mission over my child?_

 _My own flesh and blood?_

* * *

"What if she doesn't remember me? What if she hates me for leaving her? What if —" I sucked in a deep breath and dragged my fingers through my short hair in a futile attempt to calm myself down.

The wall clock ticks like the timer on a bomb. I can't stop it, reverse it or slow it down. Each tick drags me forward, helpless and nervous to the allotted time. I can no more avoid it than the beating of my own heart as it pounds with futility against it's cage of bone and cartilage. The dread is an invisible demon sitting heavy on my shoulders and only I can hear the sharpening of it's knives. I sweat and become pale, then the tremor in my hands begins. My head becomes a little giddy and my stomach nauseous.

My breathing becomes erratic, deep, then shallow. I fight it. I fight the feeling as my body writhes to be free or shut down entirely.

"Remi," Shepherd said gently taking my shaking hands in hers.

"Alex loves you. It's okay," she assures. I want to believe her, I do but all I've known in the past few months had been rejection, disappointment and sheer heartbreak.

I shouldn't be this afraid of a three year old.

It felt like the walls were closing in on me as I forced myself to take a step. And another. And another. I felt like I couldn't breathe — what if I ran out of oxygen? My heart rate began to speed up, and so did my breathing.

My stomach shifts uneasily and I notice that the hands that I am hugging myself with are pinching into my skin. I release my hands but then I can't figure out what to do with them, so instead they clasp and unclasp each other as if in constant need of touch and reassurance. But what they need is to be able to touch my daughter, to make sure she was alright.

Like hail on a glass pane, the drumming of my fingers were as relentless as it was loud. Each click of my nails echoed the tumultuous thudding of my heart beat.

My face, rigid with tension, belied my youthfulness, I seemed to have aged a decade in the past few hours.

"In and out. Easy," Shepherd said gently, rubbing squeezing my shoulders.

I followed her instructions and pulled myself together.

"Okay. Let's do this then."

She led me to the car and I entered, positioning myself at the window, my head tilted to the view just a little with hands clasped tightly in front of my stomach, I constantly fiddled with my knuckles, weaving my fingers in and out of each other.

"Mommy's coming home, Alex," I said quietly, my voice barely above a whisper.

* * *

"When's my mommy coming home?" Alexandra asked peering up at me through hooded lids, tears shimmered in her bright green eyes.

She was snuggled up against my chest, a soft eiderdown duvet draped over her. She closed her eyes as it caressed her cheek. It still smelled like Remi, even after all those months.

She hugged the duvet a little tighter and rolled so that it enclosed her in warmth. She'd sleep with it every night now patiently awaiting her mother's return.

"Soon, princess," I whispered back against her soft brown curls.

I was tired as hell, weary with the burden of long closed eyes; I could've easily pulled off being a walking zombie, dead on the inside but subconsciously awake.

It's already been an entire month since Remi got back but Shepherd didn't think it was wise to reintroduce Alex to her yet. She wasn't Remi, not really. Shepherd thought it would be better to wait until Remi attained memories of her daughter on her own. She didn't want to make it confusing for Alex, which I understood to an extend but the girl needed her mother now more than ever.

Her lips tighten, turning down at both ends.

She sits up suddenly, her head slumped into her hands. I rested a gentle hand on her shoulder.

"What is it, princess?"

She almost cried as she spoke, the pain inside moving like ocean waves just to speak her mind.

"Why did my parents just leave me? They said they loved me."

"And they do," I said firmly pulling her back against my chest. "You shouldn't doubt that even for a minute. Your mom will come for you."

* * *

By midnight the darkness is almost absolute, only a smattering of luminous stars scatter the heavens. Even the moon has waned to almost nothing and I couldn't see even my hand in front of my face.

We pulled up in from of a small cottage. It crouched low into the grassy embankment, as though it were trying to hide, but the misshapen slate roof was too large to go unnoticed. Through the darkness I could make out the coarse, unevenly sized grey stones that made up the walls. The cottage looked as if it was straight out of a fairytale with a happy ending or a picture book for little kids.

It took everything in me to not turn on my heels and walk in the opposite direction but I stayed put for my daughter.

For my baby.

As we got closer to the door, Shepherd dug an old key out of one of her many pockets on her jacket and gently opened the door. We were greeted by soft jazz pouring out of the open door along with the aroma of fresh baked lasagna.

"Alex's a bit of a jazz fan like her dad," Shepherd explained as she gestured for me to follow her through the doorway then down a narrow hallway.

My footsteps echoed sharply, sounding overly loud even in my own ears.

The hallway seemed to go on forever until we finally stopped in front of the very last door. She held the doorknob in her hand and twisted it slowly. "Are you ready for this?"


	3. Chapter 3

Jane eyed the amber liquid and the golden glow of the glass like cubes. She poked them with her perfectly manicured nail to hear them jingle in the pre dawn silence. She watched, entranced, as they bounce back up — remaining mostly submerged like mini icebergs. Wrapping her long fingers around the glass, she felt her heat leach into the drink.

 _Alcohol_.

"What's wrong with you? You've been acting strange ever since you got back" Oscar inquired raising his glass to take a sip, feeling the keen burn on his tongue and throat — a burn that made Jane recoil as a girl. Yet now it was a feeling she longed for.

She lowered the glass to the table, letting it fall heavily, but not so much it spilt.

Abandoning her drink, she got up and walked over to the balcony. The balcony was a concrete ledge, square rough edges and a rusty rail but it was her oasis — _their oasis_.

Jane and Oscar's.

Jane clenched her fists so tightly, that her nails dug into the palm of her hand, but she barely even noticed. The only thing she was really aware of, was the sound of her heart throbbing against the cage of her chest.

"I'm pregnant," she forced out quietly, turning to face him.

He bore the expression of a child who had just been told of his mother's passing, which of course happened to him when he was sixteen. He had told her that he never cried then, whatever pain it caused stayed locked tight inside. This stoic man never smiles for just anyone.

As she stood in front of him with her hand wrapped protectively across her stomach, he is bereft. Shaking. "Please, we need to keep this one," Oscar pleaded.

"Oscar —"

He bites on his lower lip, eyes turn glossy with tears.

He tugs on the hood of his jacket and stares at the ground. When he finally looks up at her it's like he's turned into a different person. He manages to fake a smile that buries his pain deep inside his heart.

But his eyes remain cold, like nothing in this world could melt them.

"It's okay. Whatever you want."

The desolation he felt was all consuming. His mind became an icy wasteland, the wind howled in his soul and wrapped icy tentacles around his heart so tightly it almost stopped beating. This would be their second child that never had the opportunity to join them in the world.

This mission was taking everything from him; his fiancée, his children... everything he held close to his heart.

He felt emotionally bankrupt. There was nothing left to feel, nothing left to say, nothing left but the void that enveloped his mind in swirling blackness.

"You know if I had known we would've kept the first one. You know this."

He knew that. Of course he did, they stayed up practically all nights talking about extending their family. They even went as far as to pick out baby names. Oscar always wanted boys because he didn't want the stress of having to ward boys off of his daughters but if he was blessed with a daughter he love her all the same.

"What if we have all girls?" Jane had asked him one night after a long day of training.

He pretended to think about it for a minute. But truth be told if he had a daughter he would be overjoyed. He'd have a little princess.

"Alexandra," he said suddenly after some time, turning on his back, facing her.

She gave him a confused look.

"For a girl," he pressed. "We'll name our daughter Alexandra"

The first one they lost when it was just 6 weeks. They didn't even know about the new life. Jane had no symptoms and she was working just as hard as she always did but a random shootout at their main location cost their child his or hers life. Oscar was never the same after that and neither was she, if we're being honest.

"I know," he whispered earnestly, placing a chaste kiss to her cheeks.

* * *

"Are you ready for this?" Shepherd asked, hand gripping the doorknob tightly. Once again my emotions turn jagged and my insides tight.

I could only nod.

Shepherd gently opened the door revealing Alex curled up against Roman's chest, her back turned to them. His arms wrapped loosely around her small body.

"Alex," Shepherd called. "Someone's here to see you"

The little girl abandoned her uncle's chest and turned to where I still stood at the doorway.

"Mama?"

Her soft lips stretched into a smile but didn't quite reach her green eyes. They were lit with sadness, and the forced expression on her mouth would have looked comical to me if it didn't make my heart feel heavy. For a few moments I just stared at her, almost sure her expression mirrored mine. It broke my heart.

Her smile died faster than wisps of smoke dissipated after a candle flame has been snuffed out.

"Can you guys give us a minute?"

Shepherd and Roman exchanged a look but both nodded and began making their way out of the room.

Roman stopped in front of me giving a shoulders a firm squeeze, "After you left and Oscar died, Alex would just stare blankly no matter what was happening in the room. Shepherd had called the best doctors, they all came and went, asking her to focus on a pen or move a limb but all she did was keep breathing. It wasn't so much a cold stare, but a vacant one. It was like she'd passed on but her body hadn't realized. Give her some time," Roman whispered, clapping me on the shoulder before shutting the door quietly behind him, leaving me alone with Alex.

"Hey," I said awkwardly sitting on the edge of her bed.

She just stared at me.

 _OK.._ This wasn't how I expected our meeting to be. I expected her to jump on her mommy but I guess we would have to work our way back up there.

 _Here goes._

 _My first attempt at parenting._

 _This should be fun._

"You said you'd be only for a little while."

I guess I _did_ say that to her... I didn't know what to say to her now, I didn't know how to be her mother. I didn't even remember when her birthday was.

The silence was like a gaping void, needing to be filled with sounds, words, anything.

"I'm not perfect but I love you, and even though I don't remember alot, I remember what it feels like to love. Give me a chance to find my feet, to stop my own head from spinning and I'll prove it."

I was met with more silence.

It lingered in the air, thick and heavy, like a blanket.

"I'm here now, Alex," I tried again.

"I'm not going anywhere."

A deep curve on her lips makes the world stop around her. A smile that brings back a million memories in a split second. The precious dimple and those four little words makes my heart skip a beat.

"I missed you, mommy"

"Come give me a hug then"

Alex giggled, "OK."

She happily crawled into my lap and wrapped her small arms around my slender body.

In that moment my arms squeezed a fraction tighter around hers and she breathed more slowly, her body melting into mine as every muscle lost its tension to the cold air. This was life, **real** life.

Alex relaxes into my arms so fully it's like we're one organism, melted together. She has a look of contentment on her face, the kind I wish I would she would have forever.

* * *

A big thank you to everything has reviewed, favourited and followed _A Piece Of The Puzzle_. It means a lot to know that some people actually enjoy this story thus far.

 **Reviews, favourites and follows** are always welcomed. X


	4. Chapter 4

Her loneliness grew steadily until it dominated her emotions. What started out as a nagging feeling became so strong that she resolved to break out of her comfort zone to find a friend, someone who would talk to her and maybe even share a joke. On an average weekend she left the house only to buy groceries, the rest of the time she tried very hard to rekindle her relationship with her daughter.

It never got easier; to be among the team and yet somehow be utterly alone. To have everyone believe the lies that weighed heavy upon her soul.

It was her fault. She had chosen the path that lead to having to weave herself into their lives. Naturally they came to love her and once they loved her it became her burden to bear the terrible truth. They only loved her lies and the character she played.

With this truth crept a dark feeling, cold and void of hope. It made every word that slipped from her lips feel dirty. Soon her smiles were reflexive and her eyes were dull, so empty. When she laughed it sounded hallow like the laugh of a man about to die.

Night was always the worst. A hellish kind of isolation where her only company was loneliness and loneliness would never leave.

She rapidly blinked back the tears and fanned her eyes with her hand in attempt to hide all evidence of her pain. Kurt barely spoke to her unless it was absolutely necessary. She had come so much to care about him and had stupidly thought he felt the same for her but what he did wasn't something she could forgive easily. It wasn't something that deserved to be forgiven easily.

Tasha had come around just a bit, as did the rest of the team and she was happy about that but she still needed their forgiveness —she carved their forgiveness.

She continued walking at a slow pace. She was in no hurry to get to the FBI and deal with their sometimes snide remarks or their silent yet taunting stares. Some days were much better than others. Patterson had been the nicest to her and for that she was grateful. She was grateful for even the tiniest bit of kindness.

It was cold, even with her sweater and coat, but it didn't matter. The day was illuminated with that special cold, pale light only winter's sun could give, and the rain from last night made everything glow with a really slippery ice. It was clear that if it rained that night again, it would fall snow instead of water from the sky. It was the perfect day for staying home, but she had to exit from her house.

With that revitalizing cold and the soft air, she had stupidly been afraid that her tears might freeze as they were falling over her face, but they only kept going down and making her cheeks feel even colder than the rest of her body.

Leaving aside her broken, frozen heart, of course.

Alex had to remain a secret, not only because of how strained her relationship with the FBI was but because she needed the one thing that was actually hers to keep being just hers.

The only thing no one could ever take from her. Not the FBI, not the CIA, and especially not even her own mother.

Now that she knew about Alex she was going to do all she could to keep her safe and she would try her hardest to give her a normal life.

She owed her that much.

* * *

"Good morning, Jane," Patterson mused a little too happily. I always thought it was suspicious how Patterson would randomly come and talk to me when no one else would.

"Hi Patterson," I said turning to face the blonde haired woman.

"How are you?"

Her smile grew even widen at that and she dragged me to her lab, shutting the door before she prattled my ears off as she always did when we had nothing better to do.

She would talk about this random new guy, though I knew it was Borden I would never come right out and say it. I didn't want her to think I was eavesdropping on their conversations or anything like that. I didn't mean to walk in on them eating each other's faces off. Borden and I had a session at session at 10:30am but I left earlier, hoping to get it out of the way quickly so I could go spend a little time with my daughter. I hadn't made my arrival known, I just slowly backed out leaving them alone.

"He's fluent in alot of languages kinda like you so I was wondering if maybe you'd like to teach me some Arabic? Please!" She was basically flying out of her chair by the time I agreed. She pulled me into a hug so hard I actually felt my bones crack.

"You're welcome." I found I felt extremely satisfied at Patterson's suddenly happiness. She deserved to be happy — they all did.

"I should probably get going now, Patterson," I told the excited woman, standing to gather my belongings. Her hand grabbing mine stilled my actions.

"What's his name?" She asked, practically yelling.

"You've been leaving everyday at the same exact time since the past week and the mornings when you finally come in later than you normally do, you'd down three cups of coffee in almost one sitting so tell me, what's been keeping you so tired?" Patterson asked, tapping her chin to appear thoughtful.

 _A very energetic three year old.._

"I just haven't been sleeping that well," I answered. It wasn't an entire lie, sometimes I'd still get vicious nightmares but I haven't gotten them since I was reunited with Alex. She keeps the bad dreams at bay.

Her smile faltered a bit and she looked a bit sympathetic before a smile, larger than the first few, stretched across her face.

"The sex must be amazing if you aren't sleeping well," she smirked, bumping our shoulders together playfully.

"Nothing like that, Patterson. I'm not seeing anyone," I assured her with her with a small smile.

"I'll tell you who I'm seeing and you'll tell me about your mystery guy. On the count of three, alright?"

"Patterson —"

"3...2 —"

"You really don't have to. I respect your priva —"

"It's Borden"

My eyes widen, not from the shock of learning they were together but from how she actually went through with that. They have so secretive for the past few months I didn't think they'd want anyone to know but she just openly told me. Something was definitely up.

"I know right? It was a shock to me, too," Patterson said, grinning wildly.

"That's uh — that's very sweet, Patterson," I said, trying to sound happy for her.

"Now tell me about the guy," she asked happily pulling me back to sit.

"There's no guy, Patterson." I was getting slightly bored with the repetitiveness of this conversation. Patterson was lovely but I'd rather she just kept her observations to herself. I was keeping Alex a secret for a reason.

"Jane —"

"Can you please just leave it be? I don't want to talk about it."

Patterson slumped back in her chair, looking almost defeated.

"Jane, no one's gonna be mad at you for living your life. You're young and beautiful. If you want to date it's okay," she said with such sincerity I felt my eyes water.

"I appreciate that Patterson but even if I wanted to date, which I'm not, no one would want to date a tattooed freak, especially a tattooed freak with the assistant director of the FBI's name inked on her back."

Patterson grew sympathetic then.

"You think I haven't met guys that I could be interested in? But no one wants that kind of person and knowing my life is probably never going to get better I think it's best for me to just sit it out. Being alone isn't so bad," _Actually being alone was the worst thing ever_.

Patterson understood then how utterly alone and torn up her friend really was.

"Jane —"

"It's fine. I should go now, I'm meeting Roman.'

Quickly, I made my way out of the lab, hoping she wouldn't try to call me back. She didn't.

I was already late meeting Alex so I walked a little further from the FBI before calling Roman to come get me.

* * *

"Can I have cookies, mama?" Alex asked, batting those green eyes at me. I smirked, kneeling in front of her so that we were eye to eye.

"Alex, don't we have this conversation every night? Hm? No cookies for dinner, kiddo."

I waited patiently to hear her famous four words pelt out of her mouth.

"Uncle Ro lets me," she explained, looking over at the dining table where Roman sat stuffing oatmeal cookies into his mouth greedily.

"Uncle Ro is a child," I said causing her to giggle.

 _The sweetest sound, my favourite sound._

"How about pizza?"

"No."

"Lasagna?"

"Sorry"

"You are not a cool mom," Roman said, banging his fist on the table in a child like manner.

The night pretty much went on with Roman eating all of the cookies and me forcing Alex to have some oatmeal.

"I don't want," she insisted, pushing the bowl away.

"Alexandra, what's with the tantrum tonight? You need to eat this then get to bed. I have to work tomorrow." Her green eyes filled with tears. Roman stopped munching on his little snack and looked over at us.

"Look, help me out here, kid. I'm trying." Reluctantly, she opened her mouth and let me feed her without a hassle. When she was finished, she just sat glued to the seat. She wouldn't even look up at me.

Roman sensed how tense this entire thing was making me. She was fine every other night, I didn't understand why she was lashing out like this.

"What's wrong, baby?" She shrugged her small shoulders and fiddled with her fingers.

I was growing more and more frustrated by the second because something was clearly bothering my daughter and I couldn't do anything about it because I didn't know what it was.

 _Is this what parenthood is like?_

"Alex."

Still nothing, not even a flinch.

"Alexandra."

I looked over at Roman for some sort of assistant, obviously he knew my daughter way more than I did. He just nodded and walked over to where Alex sat, I moved out of the way so he could have complete access to her.

"You need a bath, kiddo," he said poking her in the sides. A small smile gathered at her lips and slowly, she looked up at him. Her green eyes were still glistening with unshed tears but she smiled through it and nodded. She grabbed Roman's outstretch palm and allowed him to take her away.

 _What was I doing wrong?_ Am I supposed to just let her have cookies and pizza for dinner so she doesn't hate me? I may not have all of my memories back but even I knew that wasn't an idea diet for a child.

Thirty minutes later Roman appeared at the doorway, soaking wet.

"Did you jump into the tub with her?" I asked laughing quietly. The scowl on his face only made me laugh harder until tears were streaming down my cheek.

"Just go dress the kid," he said gruffly, making his way over to the bedroom I later learned was his when he stayed up with Alex.

"Alex?" I called easing my way into her room. She was sitting on the floor wrapped up in her **Lilo & Stitch** towel. The kid had an unhealthy obsession with Lilo & Stitch. We've watched both movies so many times that I know the dialogue inside out.

Alex even suggested that I get _'Ohana means family_ ' tattooed somewhere now that I have alot so that I won't ever forget her again. It was a very sweet thought. I had even considered it but I couldn't do it without drawing unnecessary attention to her.

"Hey there, kiddo. What do you have there?"

Again, I was met with a deafening silence.

The frustration builds and I feel like I might explode but I took the deep breath. The last thing I needed was for my daughter to hate me because I yelled at her. I didn't know what to do and I felt so helpless.

I pushed myself off the wall and inched closer to her. She was huddled over, gripping something tightly in her small hands.

"Can I see that?"

She looked up at me then. I offered her a tiny small and she handed me what she held in her hands.

It was a picture, crinkled from her tight grip on it. I smoothed it gently and felt tears spring to my eyes at what I saw.

It was a picture of the three of us — Oscar, Alex and I. My head was nestled under Oscar's chin, his hand in my hair while I held Alex on my chest. She looked barely over a year with her sparkling green eyes and wild, untamed curls.

"Alex —"

"I miss my daddy. He was the best daddy. Nan said he went to live in heaven. Why did God need my daddy? There's so many other daddies out there. It isn't fair!" She was crying and without hesitation I wrapped her up in arms, rubbing her back gently and whispering how much I loved her into her ear. When her crying had finally quieted down she crawled off of my lap and sat on the floor again.

"You know your father loved you, more than anything. He wouldn't want you to be sad, even though it is very heartbreaking but you have the most important thing; your memories so you won't ever forget daddy. He'll always live with you right here," I explained, placing my hand over the soft thudding of her heart.

"I love you, mama." She inched closer to me, leaning into my shoulder. I wrapped an arm around her pulling her close.

"Do you miss daddy?"

"Everyday. I miss him everyday"

I couldn't lie to her. I did miss Oscar. Things were so simple with him, when I thought I was Taylor Shaw.

"C'mon let's get dressed now." She looked up at me and groaned, closing her eyes pretending to be asleep.

"I'm asleep."

I couldn't help laughing at that. "Then how are you still talking? C'mon clothes now"

"Can I wear Elsa tonight?" She asked with a hopeful gleam in her eyes.

 _Frozen_ , another movie I knew inside out. Some mornings when Alex and I woke up before Roman. She'd go over to his door, hit twice and sang, to the top of her lungs, "Uncle Ro, do you wanna hold a snowman!"

It was always the funniest thing when he came out very annoyed but it wouldn't last long because she had him wrapped so tight around his finger.

"Yes, you can wear Elsa."

I quickly dressed her and she was fast asleep before she even got on her bed.

I cuddled in besides her wrapping her in my arms and pulled her into my chest.

"Mom?"

"Hmm?

"Never forget, _Ohana means family_ "


	5. Chapter 5

I paused at the doorway, letting my eyes roam the room before Alex noticed I was there. I'd have to go in, I knew I would, but at least this way my mind had a few moments longer to prepare. Mornings were always the worst. It killed me to leave Alex for the few hours I had to work but it wasn't like I could just show up at work, asking one of the interns to babysit Alex.

"Can you stay at home today?"

"Can't. I have to save the nice people that need saving today."

Alex looked down at her pancakes and scowled, her face tense.

"I'm your favourite daughter" I suppressed the urge to roll my eyes at my daughter's dramatics.

"You're my only daughter and you know how important my job is. I help people. You get that, right?" I asked, sitting besides her, coffee in hand.

"Dad didn't get saved."

She looked up at me with a look I didn't recognize and pushed her half eaten pancake around her plate.

She fixed her gaze onto the ground. Her green eyes filling up with tears.

She glanced back up at me again, worrying her bottom lip with her teeth. "You're gonna be late for work." Her voice sounded more pained than anything.

Once again my emotions turned jagged and her insides tight. I felt so raw today, like there was no skin over my pain and the wind was making it bleed.

 _This guilt was eating me whole._

It felt like a thousand knives just pierced through my heart. I can feel the hot tears already welling up in my eyes. I look at her and I can tell she regrets every word she said, but we both know her words are the truth. Even if we want to deny them and fight about them, in the end they are still true.

The emotional pain seeps through my entire body. She needed to know the truth — she deserved to know how Oscar really died but could she handle that ? The truth can hurt.

Emotional pain leaves invisible scars, yet they can be traced by the most gentle of touch. Sometimes, like a cyst, the wound must be opened to be healed.

I had never felt so alone, so lost, so incapable of doing even the smallest tasks. And this was only the beginning, the beginning of the pain, the suffering and the endless congo line of emotions that were in store for me.

Alex pushed her chair back and stood up.

"You're gonna be late," she repeated, gathering her half eaten pancake in her small hands.

"I'll get it," I said to her, reaching over to take the plate from her.

She wriggled out of my reach causing the plate to fall to the floor, breaking in the process.

Before I could even get a word out, she ran through the door slamming it behind her.

Alex would bang doors like they were exclamation marks to whatever she had just said.

Sucking in a lungful of air, I knelt down besides the broken plate and began gently picking up the pieces.

This was just so hard. All of it. I was trying my best but obviously, that wasn't enough. Nothing I was doing was enough for her.

After I had cleaned up the broken pieces, I attended to the dishes and did a bit of tidying. I was already a bit late anyway so what more harm could it do.

In the midst of my cleaning I heard a sound that split my heart wide open.

The closer I got to Alex's room, the more pronounced the sound became.

It was more than crying, it was the kind of desolate sobbing that comes from a person drained of all hope.

"Alex?"

The silence I received made my blood run cold.

"Do you wanna go to the park?"

* * *

"Are you any good with kids?" Jane asked quietly into the phone, craning her back towards Alex's bedroom.

She could feel the hard painful lump in the back of her throat as the tears began to form. Slowly her breathing hallowed itself and a small but intense pain struck the top nerve in her head.

"Jane? Kids? What — wait are you okay?" Patterson asked in a panicked tone.

Jane's remaining thread of strength frayed at that before breaking completely, sending her plummeting over the edge and into the darkness. Hysterical sobs shook her thin frame, threatening to tear her apart from the inside. She fought to reclaim control over her body, shocked by the sounds escaping from deep within her chest.

"I don't know what I'm doing wrong" Jane explained when her breathing returned to normal.

"Jane, where are you?" Though, she was terrified, Patterson tried her hardest to keep Jane calm while she wrote down the directions to this strange place Jane was at.

"Patterson, can I trust you to keep this between us?"

"Jane, Kurt —"

"Patterson, no one can know anything. Promise me! Please"

Against her better judgement Patterson agreed to keep this new information to herself and hurried to meet her friend, who badly needed help to deal with whatever she was dealing with.

"I'm all dressed!" Alex announced, skipping over to where her mother was standing. Her sweater was buttoned all wrong and her shoes were mismatched but she looked so proud of her achievement that Jane didn't have the heart to tell her that her colours weren't coordinating at all.

"Hey there, kiddo. Why don't we wear something else? Mommy's gotta meet someone from work. It's important."

"Okay. Just not those flowery dresses that nan makes me wear. Uncle Ro said soldiers don't wear dresses or flowers," Alex explained, wrinkling her nose in disgust.

"Deal!"

* * *

Entering the park, a slight breeze rustles the leaves making them fall to the solid ground one by one. The air was warm, the beams of sunlight glowing on my skin. Flowers are vast, and they conceal the freshly cut green grass. The pathway is nothing more than dirt littered with random rocks. The children are playing and the parents talking among each other.

"Mommy! Look! A monkey bar," Alex exclaimed, tugging at my sweater. You'd think the kid has never been to a park before.

Her words are running into one another and if I didn't know that there was a monkey bar right there I wouldn't have a clue what she was saying.

"Can I go play there? Please mommy!"

There is something so intoxicating about Alex being so excited. She squeals and run, chasing some random kids around the swings. As her grin gets wider everyone around starts to smile — even the curmudgeons who love to complain. It's as if she's bursting with liquid sunshine from within.

I turn and started towards the bench closest to the monkey bars where Alex and a little red haired boy were playing. The bench was a turquoise that reminded me of the ocean under brilliant summer rays. I let my eyes wander the surface, lingering briefly on the patches that were almost greenish and shaped like islands in the blue.

I turned to sit, feeling the slight give in the wood, any creak being lost beneath the sound of excited children.

"Jane?"

 _Patterson_.

I glanced nervously at the blonde woman standing behind me. I forced a smile onto my lips and waved her over. She eyed me suspiciously but she hurried over nonetheless.

"A kid park? I'll say Jane I've never seen you as the maternal type. No offense."

I nibble on my lower lip and turn my attention back to Alex. She's now playing with three other kids, including the red haired boy. They're all taking turns pushing each other on the swings. That's the happiest I've seen my daughter since we got reunited and I made a mental note to have Roman help me build her a swing. Anything to keep that smile on her face.

"Mine." I said pointing towards the group of kids laughing loudly at something Alex said. She turns my way and waves at me and I waved back.

"What do you mean?" Patterson asked, waving back at the children.

"My daughter. Blue sweater, wild browns curls."

"Piercing green eyes like yours." I nodded still facing ahead.

"She's the reason I've been leaving at the exact same time everyday and why I come in so late and so tired."

When I finally let my eyes wander over to her something flashed beneath the surface of her blank expression and I hurried to investigate the sudden shift. It was too late, the emotion disappeared before I could identify it, like reaching desperately for an escaped balloon; the string dangling so tantalizingly close but the wind pushed it away and it's lost forever.

"You have a daughter? Why didn't you tell —"

"Mommy! Mom, look!" Alex came rushing over carrying an egg way too big for her tiny hands.

"I have an egg."

"Yes, I see that. Where did to get — Wait, why is it speckled? What kind of egg is this?"

The egg was speckled brown and fitted perfectly into Jane's outstretched hands.

"Welsummers!' Alex and Patterson in unison.

Patterson's mouth twitched, and I was pretty sure she was fighting a smile.

I had a feeling her and Alex were on the road to becoming fast friends.


End file.
